Gaslighting is a word used to describe a common form of emotional abuse and may be the reason for the breakdown of a relationship, but it wouldn’t be specifically referred to in the process of applying for divorce, given the ‘no-fault divorce’ legislation currently in place in England and Wales. This means a spouse applying for divorce, does not refer to a specific reason or cause of a divorce other than that the marriage has broken down irretrievably.
Gaslighting is a complex form of harassment which can be difficult to recognise, and which can lead to legal proceedings if the person experiencing the abuse requires legal protection or there are concerns in relation to the safety of any children of the family.
What is gaslighting?
Gaslighting can be defined as “psychological manipulation of a person, usually over an extended period of time, that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories.” It is a form of gaining power and control. The outcome of gaslighting can be that the recipient feels confused, loses confidence and self-esteem, trusts no one, develops uncertainty over their emotional stability and grows more dependent on the perpetrator. Gaslighting is common in abusive relationships, but can occur in any kind of relationship, sometimes without a malicious intent.
It can be hard to recognise that someone is gaslighting you, because if this is happening to you, it can be through sporadic incidents which have no pattern, or which appeared normal at the time. This can develop over a long period. It may only be after a few months or years that you link this pattern of behaviours to a form of abuse or in some cases not until the relationship has ended and the victim is free of the abusive behaviour. It is common for gaslighting to contribute to divorce, as it can be central to a pattern of behaviours which have become intolerable for a person, even if they didn’t consider this to be a form of abuse at the time.
Common examples of gaslighting
- Introducing doubt – Using phrases like “that never happened” or “I didn’t say that” as a means of causing a partner to question themselves. This shapes dependency and distorts reality for the recipient.
- Control and power – A common form of gaslighting is a partner using coercion to gain power and personal gain. This could be through controlling money and demanding attention and constantly giving ultimatums.
- Reversing the blame – Using false apologies to shift blame from themselves and on to the victim. Using phrases like “I’m sorry you think that I hurt you” makes a victim question whether they are actually at fault.
- Hot and cold behaviour – Extremes of hot and cold behaviour seeks to alienate a person and deliberately put them on an emotional rollercoaster. This could be through adoration one minute and ignoring them the next.
How to manage gaslighting in a divorce
Manipulation and coercion can be difficult issues to understand and to live with, and certainly to resolve. They promote fear and uncertainty and these cause you to question the right way forward, often deliberately and as the result of a successful tactic used by the perpetrator. However, if you are in a situation where you are being gaslighted and are seeking divorce from the perpetrator, there are some ways in which you can manage this:
- Don’t be open about your plans – Keep your plans to yourself in the first instance until you feel ready to take action, as this could lead to your partner turning the tables on you or exploiting the situation to benefit themselves. This could also develop into other forms of abuse in extreme cases.
- Maintain a diary – Record all the dates and incidents relating to any occurrence of abuse, patterns of behaviour or issues of manipulation, as it can be difficult to remember clearly what happened after the event and especially when you have been repeatedly made to question yourself and your memory. ..
- Written communications – Keep communication in writing form rather than verbal including text messages and emails as these can help to validate your version of the truth and invalidate the manipulation your partner is trying to enforce. Keep communication concise and factually and avoid emotive language which the perpetrator may try to use to further manipulate or control you. Do not react to any emotive language they project onto you. If communication is having an adverse impact on your emotional wellbeing, consider communication through a third party such as a friend or family member or a professional such as a solicitor.
- Finances – Start to develop some financial freedom in preparation for separation. This can help you regain some independence but also frees you from a coercive tool the perpetrator may be using. Think about financial information you can obtain about your assets, income or liabilities and start to collate this in readiness for your separation. You may need to consider changing passwords to your online bank accounts, email accounts etc to ensure they are secure.
- Support – Talking your situation through with friends and family can help you find clarity and prevent you constantly questioning yourself. This support network may also be witness to some of this manipulation and can validate your feelings. Professional support can also help with your emotional wellbeing in dealing with this form of abuse, and also in navigating the turmoil and anguish of the divorce process. There are many therapists and counsellors who specialise in supporting survivors of domestic abuse as well as local domestic abuse charities.
Professional legal support with gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of abuse that is subtle, clever and highly manipulative. It can happen to anyone and should not be something a victim feels shame over or finds their own fault in. It is common for gaslighting to spiral into other forms of abuse which deliberately leave you feeling confused and uncertain. If you have any doubts about whether you are being gaslighted, contact an experienced family law solicitors such as Consilia Legal. We have expert legal professionals who have experience in dealing with complex cases of emotional abuse, and we can help you recognise the signs of gaslighting, and help you plan a process for removing yourself from the situation. This could include putting protective measures in place such as a Non-Molestation Order and/or referring you to a domestic abuse charity and/or seeking police involvement.
At Consilia Legal, our specialist team of family solicitors are highly compassionate and have a wealth of expertise in supporting survivors of domestic abuse navigate a separation or divorce, contact our team at Consilia Legal today.